I know this comes months after its initial release but it’s come up a few times so I thought I would finally get it out: Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a shit movie. I love Star Wars. I think Luke is cute, I love Leah’s metal bikini and bad assery, I love Chewie and Han and the whole hero’s journey. The prequels were kinda lame what with Jar Jar’s ridiculousness but it was at least a new story about a character we were already invested in. Anakin’s dialogue may have been lame but there was internal as well as external conflict and we saw how one evil but creative politician can sway an entire governing body.
The Force Awakens may have better been titled “A New Hope II: Bigger, Better Death Star” since it was nearly scene for scene a remake, and a shitty one at that.
First: Han Solo. When I first saw Star Wars, Harrison Ford and my own father were about the same age. Han had that quick wit and snappy lines and that devil-may-care attitude. As I watched my father go to war, raise his children, and grow into a still snappy but far more invested, adult person, I also would expect Han Solo, now a father and a lifelong rebel fighter, to have grown up. The writers attempted to keep the best of both worlds and so failed doubly, writing cheap one liners and paying fan lip service one moment and overly dramatic, totally unrealistic family drama the next. Han Solo should have grown over the last 60 years to become either someone who totally eschewed all responsibility or a dedicated rebel fighter, steeped in Jedi lore and powerfully charismatic, a strong father figure to all his young rebel pilots. He would have been a legend, second only to his wife, General Organa Solo And the myth of Luke Skywalker.
Leah Organa Solo, trained in diplomacy from childhood, already a strong spirit, resourceful strategist, and powerful leader at twenty, would NEVER have taken some young storm trooper deserter’s word for it and committed the entirety of rebel forces to a suicide mission. It’s been suggested that she is force sensitive (I agree) and so she would have sensed his authenticity and intuited the truth of his plan. Which is great except that HE WAS LYING! No way would a force sensitive, incredibly skilled diplomat and strategist be fooled by some young kid’s need to be a stupid hero and get the lady hero’s attention.
Here is the better plot for “Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens”
Open on Rey doing her thing. Scavenging, driving her speeder bike, etc but we notice she’s unusually good at things, or more accurately, someone observing her notices and the audience overhears their dialogue. She is in the middle of fixing something and a tool is out of her reach. She reaches for it, strains to grab it, and it leaps into her hand, startling her. She greets someone before she actually sees them and there’s an awkward moment. She wakes from a deep sleep and items are floating in the air around her only to drop suddenly when she realizes what’s happening. She’s confused and a bit scared and her peers and community starts shying away from her.
Cut to Han Sol. He’s smuggling but secretly on a spy mission for the rebel alliance. He is in or near the heart of the Sith Lord’s castle or whatever or the Sith apprentice’s stronghold. The Apprentice and lord are talking and the lord tells the apprentice that there is a force awakening on Tatooine and it needs to be contained…. Or eliminated, mwahahahahaha! Han Solo: *whispered to himself* “Rey”
Cut to Han and Chewie escaping with or without their cargo depending on action sequence and heading for the nearest rebel outpost. He calls Leah. “Leah, they’ve found Rey. We need to reach her before they do. We need Luke” “He won’t help her.” “Yes he will.” “How do you know?” “A father never gives up.” We see over his shoulder a family photo on the dash of the Falcon with Han, Leah, etc. One of the children is obviously the Sith apprentice.
Cut to Rey getting in trouble with friends. Something major happens and she uses the force in a big way to save someone/thing. Her power is out of control and so something bad happens. Cliffhanger.
Cut to Han and Chewie landing on a remote planet. Maybe it’s even Dagoba. They go meet Luke and explain: “Luke, They’ve found her and they’re going to get her.” “I can’t help you.” “You have to.” “I can’t. A father’s love is just as dangerous as any other. Love leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. My love for her mother already created a rift in the force, I can’t risk another, greater disaster.” Han and Chewie leave in disgust. Yoda appears to Luke “A father’s love, Powerful it is. A jedi’s strength, powerful also.” Ben Kenobi appears. “You cannot risk yourself. This girl is a path to the dark side.” Anakin appears. “A father’s love for his child can defeat the dark side. Trust the force, my son.” Luke chases down Han and Chewie and flies off with them.
Cut to the Empire forces assembling. One storm trooper, the garbage man, overhears a conversation about the current mission, particularly that it’s a young girl who doesn’t know anything about the force. We follow him to his quarters and as he takes off his helmet we see an expression of internal conflict.
Cut to rebel forces meeting up with Han, Chewie, and Luke in orbit around Tatooine. Heartwarming reunion, meet the new young talented pilot, make a plan, etc.
Rebel forces descend to the planet in time to rescue Rey from whatever predicament the locals put her in (burn her as a witch, sell her to the local gross dude, whatever) but at the same time, Empire forces also descend. Action! Adventure! Storm trooper defects to Rebels and saves the girl from something dangerous!! Han fights his own son long enough to get everyone else away. Dies because he won’t take the advantage and kill his own son (but not in a lame, predictable, pathetic, eye contact competition). Handsome young pilot has to fly the Falcon. Rebels get away. Drama!! Excitement!
Cut to the Falcon. Everyone is sad as fuck b/c Han is dead. Rey is confused but Leah, grieving but strong, explains. Luke decides to take Rey as his Padawan and presents her with his old light saber. Storm trooper defector pledges to the rebel alliance, young handsome pilot takes over the Falcon as Chewie retires, inconsolable, to his home planet. Storm trooper takes over as copilot.
Roll credits.